An Ode to Tweedledee

Hello. I have returned from a two-year hiatus in a post that I intend to dedicate to my iPhone.

Sometime in 2010, my friend Nirmalya and I decided to buy the iPhone 4. The plan was that I would pick them up from Vancouver when I visited for a conference in January 2011 (this was before the phone had released in India). The months leading up to January were filled with the warm buzz and sparkle of anticipation. We spent a good number of hours gawking at the iPhone 4 on the Apple website, and then some more falling in love with covers to ensconce it in (especially here and here). We researched online on where one could get a micro-SIM made in Bangalore, located the place and went over to ensure it existed and wasn't some horrible illusion. We made a list of all the apps we would get and made solemn promises to buy only one app per month. To save money, we adopted a frugal mess diet and squashed any yearnings for pizza. And we 'walked' on Google Street View from my Vancouver hotel to the nearest Apple Store. 

Finally, armed with the prepaid card we had stuffed our money into, I entered into that pristinely white, somewhat intimidating Apple store and asked 'the man' for the iPhone 4 16 GB. The man coolly informed me that it was out of stock and only the 32 GB was available, an option we had long discarded as being out of our budget of 30,000 rupees. My heart sank to unspeakable depths and the cynic in my head told me that it had always been too good to be true.

With nothing else to do, I walked back to the hotel and entered the line for the per diem card. I'll digress here to tell you that I was being funded by a Bill and Melinda Gates scholarship which included a pre-loaded per diem card of $375 that I could swipe for food only. Now, a marvellously fortutious event took place. The cards they had procured, were faulty. So instead, they were giving out cash, and they didn't require a receipt. And $375 was enough to bridge our deficit, get us two 32 GB iPhone 4s leaving a generous surplus for food. 

That's how Bill Gates pitched in for my iPhone, Tweedledee (Nirmalya's was christened Tweedledum). I've loved it for two years. Now it's aged. The home button retired a year back. And on my desk lies a shiny new iPhone 4S that my heart refuses to accept until I thank my dear friend in her tattered case and ask her to forgive me for abandoning her in her twilight days. 

Meanderings

I have just taken a long walk in the IISc campus. The rain has left a pleasant chill in the air. The fireflies have come flitting out. The tree opposite MCBL is creaking ominously to the passing bystander. The moon is calmly watching the grey clouds saunter across the sky. It has been almost a year here and I have had many walks.

The quick ‘I have to get to lab before cell recovery is over’ walks (Very annoying. No time for contemplating on the deeper meaning of science or on any deeper meanings).

The post-General Biology class philosophical banter walks (When one is overpowered by the exalted sensation of being in science nirvana and concludes that anyone who isn’t doing science should dig a pit and bury himself).

The ‘Oh-my-god, the campus looks so Photoshop-ed walks’ (A common phenomenon in the month of March when someone seems to have cranked up the colour saturation dial of the surroundings).

The smug ‘Ha! I’m in IISc’ walks (As you bestow a look of condescension on the flurry of students scrambling for next year’s admissions).

The gazing at the sky till your neck aches walks. (I’m never going to get cured of my deep reverence toward the night sky).

The dodging crow-shit walks. (Recommended at around 6 p.m. when the birds all amass and decide to take a good dump, while also treating us to cacophonous cawing).

The ‘Why are there so many believers in a scientific institute!’ walk (When one has generally lost all faith in the human race, is very agitated over it, and bumps into a fellow atheist for a mutual cribbing session).

Some walks are defined by the music you are listening to:
The freewheeling ‘whatever’ walk. (‘All I want is you’ by Barry Louis Polisar from ‘Juno OST’).

The ‘I wish I were a sprite and could gambol all around the campus’ walk (‘Wedding Day In Troldhaugen, Opus 65 N° 6’ played by Andrei Gavrilov and composed by Edvard Grieg).

The ‘Ah. The world is beautiful and I love life’ walks (‘Per Te’ by Josh Groban from ‘Closer’).

Well I should get some sleep. Toodles!

Io, Saturnalia!

I was first introduced to the Saturnalia concept on The Big Bang Theory Christmas episode (where Sheldon says "We don't celebrate the ancient Pagan Festival of Saturnalia").

Saturnalia was a Roman festival, initially celebrated on Dec 17^th, but then extended for a week from Dec 17-25^th. The festival was introduced to lift the spirits of the defeated Roman military and citizens after the war in 217 BC. Farmers had completed their autumn seed sowing and the festival was supposed to celebrate the god of seed and sowing, Saturnus.

It soon became the most popular Roman festival characterized by a 'period of lawlessness'. Courts and judicial order were temporarily abolished. The slaves exchanged placess with their masters. Gambling, intoxication, naked rambling and general merriment was the norm.

Theories suggest that when Pope Julius I selected 25^th December as the date of Christ's birth, it was primarily to embrace the festival of Saturnalia and concurrently to embrace & convert the pagans to Christianity. Thus, early instances of Christmas celebrations illustrate festivities very similar to Saturnalia.

The customary greeting for Saturnalia is Io Saturnalia! (Io is pronounced as e-o). So Io Saturnalia to you!

Hail His Noodly Appendages

Oh Come, All Ye Faithful parody by John Danty

O Come All Ye Pastas

Tender and benignant,

O come ye, O come ye with par-me-me-san.

Come and behold Him,

Meatballs sized like Saturn;

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

Flying Spaghetti Monster

O Sing, choirs of penne,

Sing emancipation,

Sing all that hear above of FSM's holy word.

Give... to our waitress, glory in the Highest;

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Oooo yes we're excited,

Half price at Olive Garden

His wheat-based appendages are so so adored.

Word of Your noodle,in white wine alfredo;

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

O come, let us adore Him,

F…S...M the Lord.

-John Danty

(Are you new to the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Here are some links:

1) Wikipedia article
2) The Church of FSM)

Warning

As I turn 22 today, I'd like to share this poem with you.

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

-Jenny Joseph

Strawberry Swing

Probably the best music video I have ever seen.



Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

They were sitting
They were sitting on the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking under strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water what ya say?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait until the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

Could be blue,
Could be grey
Without you I’m just miles away

Could be blue
I don’t mind
Without you it’s a waste of time

My Long Overdue Pro-GM Food Post

Ok I’m going to rant.

STOP SUPPORTING ORGANIC FOOD.

Organic food is technically food that is grown with ‘natural’ pesticides. Like neem. It’s natural. If I extract the neem protein, get its structure and synthesize it chemically, it stops being natural and people screw up their noses. Amazing, ain’t it? If I modify it so that it becomes an even better pesticide, it’s even more unnatural and people march out and set my lab on fire. Fascinating behaviour.

Now to quote Christopher Wanjek (Author of Bad Medicine)

”Synthetic pesticides can indeed cause cancer, but the risk is very low. The Environmental Protection Agency requires that pesticides carry no higher than a one-in-a-million risk of cancer. (You have about a one-in-a-hundred, or 1 percent, risk of choking on your food; just ask the second President Bush). After thirty years, no study has shown that eaters of organic food are healthier than eaters of conventional food.”

To quote Bruce Ames (Inventor of the Ames test which detects carcinogens):

"A single cup of coffee contains natural carcinogens equal at least to a year's worth of carcinogenic synthetic residues in the diet."

Natural carcinogens are those that plants produce themselves to ward of pests, for example, the toxins the neem plant produces.

If you are still so concerned about pesticides, support Genetically Modified food! The Sense About Science handbook lists some of the few advantages.

1) They increase crop yields (something that developing countries are in dire need of).
2) They improve the nutritional value of food in very specific ways without changing other features.
3) They reduce reliance on chemical pesticides by using genes that are available in, for example, soil microorganisms.

And before you bring this argument that it’s not ‘natural’, let me digress.

I have this enormous problem with the word ‘natural’. Define ‘natural’. Define ‘nature’. Define ‘going against nature's laws’.

Firstly, every atom in you and that pesticide came from the big bang. The pesticide is as natural as you are.

Secondly, (and I’m tired of saying this), farmers have been doing genetic engineering for AGES. The fellow sees two plants which gives juicier fruits. He mates (‘crosses’ technically) them on and on so till all the kid plants have juicier fruits. We just speed the process up by taking that juicier fruit gene and putting it directly into seeds which can be distributed to all farmers everywhere. Oh, but sex is natural genetic engineering, it wins because it has ‘natural’ on its side.

That brings me to: There is no metaphorical woman called nature who puts you right. There is nothing like nature hits back. There isn’t some sacrosanct equilibrium in the universe which will be horrendously disturbed if we do genetic engineering. Guess what, a bacterium called Agrobacterium tumefaciens has been doing genetic engineering since time immemorial. It jumps in and puts its genes into plants. Your genome, right now, is made up of 45% transposons. Parasites. Not your genes. They genetically engineered themselves into your body. ‘Nature’ put them. Sorry, but she has an evil side to her. Welcome to the real world.

Thirdly, ok what do you mean by natures laws? Spell it out. Give me an equation. Come on. There, now you’ll shrug and give me vague statements about being so bad at math and not really sure about it but you know, you have an overwhelming intuitive feeling that there is some sacred law of nature. Guess what, you once had an overwhelmingly intuitive feeling that the Earth was flat. So wake up, science doesn’t work on intuition.

As far as I know, pesticides don’t violate any of nature’s laws. They follow all three rules of thermodynamics. They do not lead to a decrease in the entropy of the universe. They do not hover in the air against the law of gravity. They don’t make time go backward. They definitely do not go ‘bang’ and disappear.

Oh did I hear that right? By adding pesticides we are disturbing the biodiversity of the insects. Fine, let’s shift to plan B. Let’s all sit here and refuse to kill anything. Let the bacteria kill you next time you get a fever. Don’t you dare run to the doctor. It’s blasphemy! You are disturbing the biodiversity of the micro-organisms! What, just because you can’t see the bacterium means it deserves less respect? How shocking! The bacteria should yell discrimination and sue you.

If you are so against genetic engineering, stop drinking commercially made beer and wine. Those yeast that ferment it, are genetically engineered. Stop buying insulin for your diabetic mom. It’s 100 % genetically engineered. No you won’t. Because when it comes to your life, you get selfish. How hypocritical is that. You won’t support GM foods and let those people in Africa die. What about when it comes to you?

Finally, let me attempt this by logic. For the sake of argument let me accept that there is some mysterious unexplainable sacred force (or energy or quantum order or whatever other term you decide to dishonour) called nature who we should be terrified of meddling with. Nature made you, right? Nature made you intelligent? Nature knew that if she/he/it made you intelligent you would figure out how to remove genes from one thing and put them in another? So nature meant to do this. Nature wants you to do this. It’s an inevitable by-product of making intelligent humans. The transposons do it. Agrobacterium does it. They have evolved for as many years as you have. You aren’t some sickeningly virtuous, morally upright species that is at the top of the evolutionary tree. Throw the arrogance into the bin. We need genetic engineering because it saves your own species. If nature has shown any predictable pattern, it is that species that survive more and reproduce more, stick on the planet. Listen to her.